


Reflections

by NonMetaphoricFlop



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Canon Compliant, Don't say I didn't warn you, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I don't know how, I'm Sorry, I'm still bitter about Endgame's ending, M/M, Old Man Steve, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Endgame, SPOILERS AHEAD, Sam Wilson Needs a Hug, Spoilers, They both do really, This is pretty much purely angst, fuck the russos, mentions of Steggy, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 15:24:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18741766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NonMetaphoricFlop/pseuds/NonMetaphoricFlop
Summary: Bucky and Sam cope with the aftermath of Steve's decision.





	Reflections

Bucky shifts in his chair and watches as the man in the bed beside him sleeps peacefully. Christ, he’s beautiful even now when he actually looks his age. Bathed in the glow of the setting sun, Steve’s (miraculously) full head of white hair is almost restored to its former golden glory. They should both look like this, Bucky thinks. Gray hair and wrinkled faces. They should have grown old together the way Steve was so sure they would back when they were little kids in Brooklyn, laughing and starving and beating up bullies, even though deep down Bucky knew Steve would be lucky to make it to adulthood. Then, when Steve became his bulked up knight in shining armor and charged in to rescue Bucky from the hands of Hydra, he looked upon his best friend who, for the first time in his life didn’t have to worry about being blown away in a particular stiff breeze, and thought maybe, maybe, if they could both make it through the war they could have a life after all, even though Bucky knew it would never be the one he longed for. Of course not even that worked out.

The first couple of years after defecting from Hydra were a mess, but by the time Bucky and Steve were alive and reunited in the 21st century, a time when people like Bucky weren’t seen as the dirtiest of degenerates, and, for the first time in his life, dared to hope. He was filled with hope for the future, for his and Steve’s future, and Thanos came and stripped that all away with the snap of his fingers, and even though Bucky remembers nothing past calling Steve’s name, everything changed over the five years he was “dead”. And so here he is. 

He had known what Steve was planning on doing. Hell, he encouraged it. He loves Steve with all his heart, and sometimes part of loving someone is learning to let them go. He is thrilled that Steve got to live out his dream, got the happy life he deserved with the woman he loved. But Bucky is also bitter, because while Peggy was Steve’s dream, he was Bucky’s. It’s not fair, he thinks, watching Steve breathe deeply in and out when any inhale could be his last, a hot wave of shame sweeping over him even as these thoughts race around his head. It’s not enough to drown out the anger, anger at Steve and himself. Resentment. Heartbreak. Happiness for his friend. But most of all, fear. Terror, knowing that, inevitably, he will have to learn to live without his best friend, and he honest to God has no idea how much time they have left. Surely this is Bucky’s punishment for his crimes as the Winter Soldier, to be forced to live without his best friend, really the only person that matters to him. He burrows his head in his hands, willing the wetness welling up in his eyes away. He doesn’t succeed, and can only watch helplessly as tears drip silently on to the pristine tile.

“You okay, man?” a voice asks, and Bucky glances up to briefly meet Sam’s warm gaze before darting Steve. He gives a shallow nod, quickly swiping a palm across his eyes even though he knows it won’t do shit to fool Sam.

“No you’re not. Don’t know why I asked,” Sam says, predictibally not remotely fooled by Bucky’s claim. A familiar weight drops down to Bucky’s right shoulder, and the touch is grounding, gives his mind something to grasp on to, so when Sam speaks again he doesn’t sound so far away. “Maybe we should let him get some rest, yeah?”

Bucky nods, a bit steadier this time, and Sam’s hand doesn’t leave his shoulder as he leads Bucky out to the plush sofa just outside of Steve’s room. 

They sit in comfortable silence for a period of time Bucky doesn’t keep track of before Sam clears his throat. “I can’t even imagine what this must be like for you,” he begins, and Bucky meets his eyes at last. “Hell, I’ve known him for what, four years, five years? Not counting the time we spent in that stone. I can’t picture life without that dumbass jumping out of planes without a parachute. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled Steve got what he deserved, but…” He shakes his head and thumbs a tear from the corner of his eye, face contorting. “And you… You’ve known him since y’all were in diapers. I’m just” - his voice breaks - “sorry”. Sam breathes in and out deeply, letting his head fall backwards on to the sofa, eyes shut tightly. 

Bucky surprises even himself when he wraps an arm cautiously around Sam’s shoulders and pulls him in for a hug, not to tightly in case either man needed to escape. Sam makes a surprised noise before squeezing Bucky like a lifeline and burying his head into his metal shoulder. Bucky returns in kind.

“I love him,” Bucky says the words out loud for the first time into Sam’s shoulder, voice muffled and thick.

“What did you say?” Sam asks, pulling back to where Bucky can make shaky eye contact. He desperately wants to look away, say nothing, never mind, but Sam’s open vulnerability flipped something in him.

“I love him,” Bucky repeats, a hollow pain stabbing in his chest. “Always have and always will.” He searches Sam’s expression for something resembling disgust, shock, anything, but finds only compassion. He turns away, shoving a fist in his mouth to cut off a sob rising in his throat.

“Hey, it’s alright. That’s ok now. It’s ok,” Sam says, rubbing a hand on Bucky’s back. “In and out. Just like that.”

Bucky calms down enough to look closer at Sam. “You knew.”

Sam only smiles sadly at him. “It’s written all over your face, man. Every time you look at him.” He pauses, but when Bucky stays silent he continues in a softer tone. “He loved- loves you too. Back during the helicarriers, how shook he was when he found out, how absolutely determined he was to make you remember him. I could tell. He loved you then and he loves you now.”

Bucky shakes his head. “Not enough. Not enough to stay.” He glances into the room at its occupant, still sound asleep.

Sam simply rests a hand on Bucky’s knee briefly before his phone chimes. “That was Fury,” he says, glancing at it. “He wants us back for debriefing.” He reaches out his hand and Bucky accepts, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. He takes one last look at Steve before heading towards the elevator, silently promising that he would be back tomorrow. Sam smiles at him as he opens the door, and Bucky realizes that Steve isn’t the only person in the entire world he cares about.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a tumblr @localbuckystan


End file.
